{"id":10048,"date":"2023-07-07T10:02:22","date_gmt":"2023-07-07T02:02:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/innomaxprojects.com\/safespace\/?p=10048"},"modified":"2024-09-10T10:16:18","modified_gmt":"2024-09-10T02:16:18","slug":"overcoming-shame-by-holly-mak","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/innomaxprojects.com\/safespace\/overcoming-shame-by-holly-mak\/","title":{"rendered":"Overcoming Shame by Holly Mak"},"content":{"rendered":"\n[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.14.7″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”0px||||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.14.7″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”0px||||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.14.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.14.7″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”24px||24px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]
Written by Holly Mak (PSYCHOLOGIST, THERAPIST) | May 10, 2023<\/h6>\n

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\u201cOh, my god. I can\u2019t believe I just said that. He probably hates me now.\u201d<\/span><\/i>
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<\/span><\/i>\u201cWhy am I so stupid? Why can\u2019t I do anything right?\u201d<\/span><\/i>
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<\/span>\u201cWow, how do you not know something so basic?\u201d<\/span><\/i>
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<\/span><\/i>\u201cWhat an idiot.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Sound familiar? Whether on the giving or receiving end of these statements, we\u2019ve likely all been there before. Shame can permeate our everyday interactions, be it in our own heads, at work, or at home. While it can often go unnoticed, it can still affect us deeply.<\/span>
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<\/span>So how do some people end up regularly experiencing the above or similar thoughts, and get stuck in a seemingly endless loop of low self-worth?<\/span>
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<\/span>It may not seem obvious, but shame lies at the root of many difficult emotional and social experiences, and can be built into the very way we see ourselves and the world. Like any emotional habit, feelings of shame often begin early on in life in our childhood and adolescence, often carrying through into our adult relationships and self-perception if unchecked.<\/span><\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/innomaxprojects.com\/safespace\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/pointfingers.png” title_text=”pointfingers” _builder_version=”4.14.7″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.14.7″ _module_preset=”default” custom_css_main_element=”font-weight:400;” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]

Image source: Private Therapy Clinic<\/a><\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.14.7″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”24px||24px||false|false” custom_css_main_element=”font-weight:400;” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]

What is shame?<\/span><\/h1>\n

The dictionary definition of shame is \u201ca painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.\u201d Shame is not quite the same as guilt though, where we feel bad about a specific choice or action we\u2019ve made. It\u2019s much more pervasive and penetrates into the very core of our beings. Shame has us feeling like something we\u2019ve done or said makes us essentially a bad person \u2013 that we deserve rejection and abandonment from those around us. <\/span><\/p>\n

Shame is universal, as we are social beings and require a community around us in order to survive. Our fear of rejection motivates us to change and adapt our behaviours, for both our own sakes and that of the groups that sustain us. But taken to the extreme, this fear can significantly limit our beliefs and choices, and shut us down.<\/p>\n

Internalised shame: When falsehoods feel true<\/span><\/h1>\n

In certain cultures, particularly ones that emphasise collectivism and hierarchy, shame is often normalised. These cultures tend to prioritise the wellbeing of groups over the individual\u2019s, and of elders over their younger counterparts. In Asian families, the general assumption is that it\u2019s wrong to challenge someone more \u201csenior\u201d than you, like a parent or grandparent, even if they\u2019ve said or done something hurtful.<\/p>\n

As a result, we might internalise negative feedback that we hear about ourselves, believing that it\u2019s true that we can\u2019t do anything right, that we are less intelligent than our siblings, that we\u2019ll never find a loving partner, etc \u2013 when these thoughts are often unfounded.<\/p>\n

Tools to overcome shame<\/span><\/h1>\n

Recognising what shame looks like on an everyday basis can help us disarm it, and tune into our true self-worth. We are never born with shame; it is a feeling we cumulate from the outside.<\/span><\/p>\n

1. \u201cShoulds\u201d and \u201cShouldn\u2019ts\u201d<\/span><\/h2>\n

Shame operates on the judgement that we \u201cshould\u201d or \u201cshould not\u201d do things a certain way, and measures our value based on whether we abide by these standards. Identifying shaming voices and behaviours can help us step back and clarify where we stand, and prevent us from believing we are worse than we are.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some examples of shaming behaviour:<\/p>\n